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...The next day, the teams gather at NASDAQ to meet with Donald Trump, Carolyn Kepcher, Bill Rancic (Did I miss George Ross’s obituary?), and two Microsoft execs. Trump is quick to point out that not only is Microsoft number one on the exchange, its software also powers it. This week the task is to create a one-minute promotional video for Microsoft’s new conferencing program, Live Meeting... |
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...For this week’s task, the teams must design a parade float for Sony’s upcoming movie Zathura—or in case you have trouble saying that, maybe you can say Jumanji redux... |
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...Trump tells the teams that their task this week is to design a brand mascot for DQ’s Blizzard. The character that most represents the DQ brand and appeals to the target teen demographic, as judged by the DQ execs, shall win... |
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...When he’s finished basking in the glory of his own ideas, Trump unveils the task for week 3. The teams are to go to Best Buy (again!) and pick out electronic products that they will have to show senior citizens how to use. Oops, I mean retirees—I guess I need to bone up on my politically correct terms again... |
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...Chris Valletta, the former so-called NFL player who I’m told never even made it onto the field, forces himself on the rest of his teammates as Project Manager, completely convinced that he and his other beer-swilling, skirt-chasing guys on this one have it in the bag…and they get off to a good start by deciding to meet with the Lamborghini execs. Someone has been watching past seasons of this show... |
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...The show really kicks into gear when Martha meets the candidates in the Random House building lobby where she informs them that their very first task is to modernize a classic children’s fairy tale and read their illustrated take to a focus group of first graders. What the little tykes think will determine the winner. Good lord, to beat out a million applicants only to be sent home by a five year old!... |
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...Okay then. And now we’re at…NYU. Not exactly Lincoln Center, but it’s, um, in a college. And, you know, Kendra went to one. Perhaps that’s a clue that maybe, just maybe, Kendra’s going to win... |
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...Since we’re now in Part 2 of an incredibly over-extended three-part finale, here’s a mini-recap: Tana Goertz and Kendra Todd are the finalists, proving once and for all that this season’s candidates did not have to undergo the same rigorous screening process as previous ones... |
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...Kendra’s next task is to run the Best Buy Video Game World Championship in Webster Hall. Excuse me, while I dash out of the room for a moment. AAHAHAHAAHA! Does anyone remember Kendra uttering a single word in the last video game task? Tana has to run the New York City 2012 Athletes Challenge, which promotes the bid for New York to host the Olympics... |
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...The task is to design and sell a Hanes commemorative T-shirt. I mean, how else do you celebrate, you know, T-shirt culture with anything besides a T-shirt? You just can’t use bumper stickers or cunning little key chains for this sort of thing... |
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...Staples is, of course, the number one office supplier in the world. Because, duh, why else would Trump let them in his office? And his office isn’t really as snazzy as you might think. He’s got lots of pictures and a kinda dinky, cluttery desk. This, surprisingly, ties in extremely well with this week’s task. To invent an office organizer that helps clean up messy desks. The Staples executives will serve as the judges and decide who made the best product... |
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...Trump comments on the magnificence of the Stock Exchange and then assigns the task: to create a promotional brochure for Pontiac’s new car, the Solstice. How Pontiac is related to the Stock Exchange is beyond me, but I guess Trump just likes to be near money... |
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..The teams are supposed to create a line of wearable technology clothing for American Eagle and get $5,000 to buy the tech. Oh, ick. I hate anything that has a preconceived little cell phone holder. Stick the damned thing in your pocket and stop complaining... |
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...Their job is to create an original pizza for Domino’s, and Donald Trump not-so-subtly hints that what he would especially enjoy are meatballs. Mmmm…meatballs. The teams have until three o’clock the next day to sell pizzas from a mobile kitchen... |
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...Plus I think Home Depot really is doing well, if you consider the fact that Trading Spaces is basically one giant Home Depot commercial. The task is to hold a creative “do it yourself” project demonstration at Home Depot, to be rated by The Executives... |
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Week 8: Fuse, Barenaked Ladies, Gene Simmons, New Found Glory, Simple Plan, Fat Joe, Lil’ Kim, Lil’ John, Moby, Eve, and Jadakiss
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...The task this week is a kinda honkin’ one. The teams have to produce an eleven-minute live charity auction on Fuse, with people bidding online for an “experience” with a music celebrity... |
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...The task is to create, build, and operate a miniature golf course at Chelsea Piers. Whoever makes the most money wins, although presumably this does not include the amount they spend on building the thing in the first place. Gotta love when they overlook the whole “is it profitable?” technicality... |
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...We learn that PlayStation is the world’s largest video game maker and makes $6 billion a year…blahdibby, bladdibby. The task this week is to hire an artist to create a graffiti billboard to promote the upcoming video game: Gran Turismo 4. Oh yeah, and the billboards are in Harlem. Dear God, could the producers possibly have thought of a concept more fraught with potential land mines?... |
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...The task this week is to create a mobile business on 28-foot Airstream trailers. Each team gets to spend $5,000 from a Visa credit card—as opposed to say, the Visa Checkcard, because that would require an actual bank account. (Okay, it took me about twenty minutes to figure that one out, but don’t tell me you didn’t think “Visa credit card” sounded weird too.)... |
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...The task is to create a commercial for Dove Cool Moisture Body Wash, but to approach it as a thirty-second film. “I want you to blow me away. The guys who are most creative, with the most out of the box approach are going to win.” See, this is another reason why I could never be on The Apprentice. I just can’t deal with that kind of pressure and expectation. When was the last time you ever blew anyone away? And exactly how big is this box that everyone keeps talking about?... |
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We’re currently in that awkward phase where the producers are making us “get to know” the candidates, so they’re all starting to grow on me. Only when it comes down to the final six or so do they band together with Donald Trump and really start handing out the awards for Biggest Schmoe, Girl Who Flies Under the Radar, and Miss Non-Congeniality... |
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...Trump explains that both teams will be renovating and refurbishing motels on the Jersey Shore. Each team will have a budget of $20,000 and will receive guest ratings on Yahoo! (The task isn’t that exciting; it’s just that Yahoo! ends with an exclamation point)... |
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...We get our first real good look at all of the contestants, and I must say, it’s really hard to tell who’s who at this point. They all filter into Robin’s Corner. It seems that her agent has negotiated her a few more lines this season. Unfortunately, there’s not a whole lot she can say, what with guarding an empty room and all, so we just get to hear her instruction, “Put your suitcases over there."... |
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...Trump segues into discussing the quality of product made by candy giant M&M/Mars, a company with over $5 billion in annual sales. The task this week is to manufacture their new product, The M-Azing Bar, in assembly line fashion; submit their bars for quality inspection; and then sell the approved bars on the streets of New York the next day... |
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...Trump says their task this week is to create an in-store promotional catalog to get across the message that Levi’s is about more than just 501 jeans. The teams will have world-renowned photographers and graphic design experts at their disposal... |
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...Trump tells them that their task this week is for each team to renovate a dilapidated house in the suburbs of Long Island. Each team will get $20,000 to do the job, and the team that increases the appraised value of the house by the greatest percentage wins... |
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...Getting down to business, Trump tells them that the assignment this week is to work with Deutsch advertising to create a recruitment campaign for the New York Police Department. The team that does the best job in the estimation of ad guru Donnie Deutsch wins... |
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...When the teams meet Trump the next morning in Central Park, he announces that the pet industry is a $30 billion dollar a year industry...With all the gallantry his voice can summon, Trump tells them that the task this week is to scoop up dog poop. No, that’s not what he actually says; he says it’s to start a dog service business, but you would never know it from the way Stacy reacts... |
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...NYC is the fashion capital of the world and that it’s a $90 billion a year business. The teams are to pick a fashion designer to help them produce a clothing line that they will then show to buyers, including Bergdorf Goodman and Bloomingdale’s, at the Avon fashion show the next evening... |
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...The task this week is to pick a product and then sell it on live TV on the QVC shopping network, responsible for selling 100 million items a year and making 40 billion dollars in annual revenue. The team generating the highest gross wins... |
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...Trump explains that their task this week is to open a restaurant. Both teams will be provided with a location and a chef, but it’s up to them to pick a menu, set the décor, bring in patrons, and serve the food. The winner is to be determined by which restaurant gets the highest Zagat rating based upon its customer reviews on opening night... |
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...Trump then announces that this week’s task is to put together a promotional event for the product launch of a new flavor of Crest toothpaste, vanilla mint. Procter and Gamble is giving each team $50,000 to fund the event, and a pair of its senior executives will determine the winner based upon their estimation of which team creates the most buzz… or screws up the least... |
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...The Donald announces that the task this week will be to come up with a new flavor of ice cream and to sell as much of it as they possibly can within eight hours time. Ciao Bella takes the weekly sponsor baton and is responsible for producing tubs upon tubs of whatever crazy flavor concoction the two teams come up with... |
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When Donald Trump joins the eighteen candidates in the boardroom for the first time, he takes pause, before sitting down, to remark, “Nice looking group—wow.” And he’s right. Who knew the Ivy League had so many sharp lookers? We know we’re watching Trump TV when looks, brains, and money go hand in hand... |
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