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The Apprentice, Week 13: Staples and
The Desk Apprentice
Original Air Date: 4/21/05
By Sarika Chawla
Okay, I’m confused. Up in the suite, Kendra Todd goes on about how she thinks Chris Shelton is out, but Craig Williams and Tana Goertz think Bren Olswanger will be the one to go home. Now why on earth would Bren ever lose out to Train Wreck Chris? Tana seems to think, “He’s just a funny guy, but I’ve seen him on tasks, and he’s just a big zero.” Huh? Learn something new every episode.
Alex Thomason and Bren traipse back in, and Tana gets ultra fake, squealing “Welcome back.” Alex and Bren tell them how Chris sobbed like a little girl in the boardroom, except they pretend that it wasn’t as bad as it was. Bren just says, “He got real emotional.” Yeah. Emotional like a GIRL! Tana asks, “He choked up, but he went out, all right?” Sure, except that he went out crying out like a little GIRL.
We know that Bren had issues with writing the Pontiac brochure, but right now he feels like he’s “lower than whale crap.” He starts complaining about being a wuss. “I have bit my tongue on numerous occasions in this process,” he tells us. “Quite frankly I’m tired of the taste of blood in my mouth. Then again, maybe the blood in my mouth is just making me thirsty for more.” Thirsty for more what? More blood? More opportunities to bite his tongue?
Bren and Alex go on a date to smoke cigars, proving that sometimes it’s not just a cigar. And apparently Alex is about a million times more obnoxious than I realized, for he actually says, “Bren is my oasis in this vast imbecilic land. I’m surrounded by morons and their mascots.”
Rona would like the teams to meet Donald Trump “right away” in his office. Craig shaves, Bren scrapes back his hair, and Alex blow-dries his armpits. Yes. Blow-dryer. Armpits. Metrosexual is too kind. This guy needs a new word minted just for him. Alexual? Okay, I’ll have to work on it.
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The executives in Trump’s office are from Staples, and while painfully nerdy, they’re pretty savvy with the small talk. Staples is, of course, the number one office supplier in the world. Because, duh, why else would Trump let them in his office? And his office isn’t really as snazzy as you might think. He’s got lots of pictures and a kinda dinky, cluttery desk. This, surprisingly, ties in extremely well with this week’s task. To invent an office organizer that helps clean up messy desks. The Staples executives will serve as the judges and decide who made the best product.
Now, I know that whenever I hear a task announced, my mind starts whirring to see what ideas I can come up with on my own before the teams take a crack at it. And to be perfectly honest, it’s always something incredibly stupid. Even the pizza episode: stuff like pickles and pineapple kept popping in my head.
This time I thought, “An electric stapler!” and “Hanging wall files!” So if I haven’t given at least some props to these contestants for coming up with cool stuff, it’s time that I do.
Craig is leading Magna, which can only lead to terrible things. His first step is to have everyone brainstorm, on paper. No speaking out loud—shh! Kendra, just write it down. Growing increasingly loathsome, Craig says to Kendra: “You’ve had your chance to lead the way. You lead, and I want you to respect mines.”
Yeah, dawg. Respect mines. He spends about five minutes talking about why Kendra shouldn’t talk. Oh, and I just realized that Kendra is a lefty, which makes her mildly cooler.
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I have bit my tongue on numerous occasions in this process. Quite frankly I’m tired of the taste of blood in my mouth. Then again, maybe the blood in my mouth is just making me thirsty for more.
