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The Apprentice, Week 7:
Miniature Golf, Chelsea Piers, and Trump National Golf Club
Original Air Date: 3/3/05
By Sarika Chawla
Well, we’re back. Donald Trump recaps last week’s politically incorrect project of bringing crass commercialism to Harlem for their social betterment. In retrospect, losing Tara Dowdell really sucks because she was probably the only normalish person on this show. I may have to write a letter to the producers. Then again, this is the woman who is dating Matt Dillon, whom I totally had such a crush on when he played Dally in The Outsiders, so maybe I should actually write him a letter to pitch myself as a more worthy lover.
Hey, there’s no “Money money money money…mooooney!” intro. Quick shots of a luxurious skyline, a taxi, Trump Tower, a rose changing from gold to red. Huh? Oh right, because the tower is gold and it’s reflecting on the rose…well, whatever.
Both teams powwow over the fate of Audrey Evans. When she walks in, sans Tara, eyebrows shoot up in surprise. Oh, poor Audrey. She heads straight into her bedroom. Kendra Todd looks concerned, as always, and says, “She looked as though she were someone who had been abandoned by her team.” That, my dear, is because she was.
So while Audrey is in her bedroom, which is about a foot away, the teams continue to talk crap about her, masked as professional criticism. “I’d like for her to understand: don’t take it personally,” Craig Williams says. “All of us have something to learn about ourselves. All of us have character flaws.” I can’t say for sure whether Audrey can actually hear him, but I sure wouldn’t want to hear the phrase “character flaws” floating over my bedroom wall.
Audrey tells us, “You know, it really, really hurts for them to say that you’re a weak link… I don’t think I’m less of a person than anybody in this house.” Weird, she’s reading and moving her lips. Either it’s a Bible, or Audrey only became a street smarter because she couldn’t get into college.
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We catch a shot of Angie McKnight talking to Audrey out on the balcony. “Do you realize he just tried to embarrass me?” asks Audrey, who’s all pissed off. “It had nothing to do with what we were talking about.” I presume that she’s referring to Craig mentioning her unemployed husband to the Trumpster, which really, was quite unnecessary. I mean, making a dude look like a totally ineffectual submissive is not cool if he’s not there to defend himself. Note, by the way, that this theory doesn’t apply in this forum, so I get to say whatever I want.
Chris “Squeaky” Shelton steps out to join the girl gaggle, and is instantly subjected to the Wrath of Audrey. Don’t you people realize by now the fortitude behind the Wrath of Audrey? In an award-winning dramatic monologue, she rails into him: “Do you realize why I am where I am at today? Because my parents both went to prison. My childhood was taken from me. Everything was taken from me. I was living out of car at seventeen.” This would have been sad news prior to 1995, when Jewel made living out of your car cool. “I am where I am today, because I crawled and begged.” Now, note that here is where things start to get a bit flaky for Audrey: “As a child, girls hated me because I was beautiful. I wanted to scar my face because I was so beautiful. I wanted to be ugly so that they wouldn’t hate me.” Hang on a sec. First off, most people would at least tone that one down by saying, “I was pretty,” or “I was attractive,” or perhaps, “I was slutty.” But referring to oneself as “so beautiful”? I’m so weeping.
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As a child, girls hated me because I was beautiful. I wanted to scar my face because I was so beautiful. I wanted to be ugly so that they wouldn’t hate me.
