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Week 5: Airstream Trailers and Massage a-Go-Go's
Original Air Date: 2/17/05
By Sarika Chawla
Up in the suite, the teams talk about what’s going on in the boardroom, where we know that mean Kristen Kirchner is getting her butt fired. The group brings up Audrey Evans immediately, since she has clearly proven herself to be spunkiest of the spunky team. “Oh, she’s a tough girl, man,” Chris Shelton squeaks.
Stephanie Myers tells us, as we’ve heard many, many times over by now, “I would like to see Michael leave. He has no initiative, he has no integrity, and he is not loyal to our team.” I’m going to go out on a limb here and finger “integrity” as the most overused word of the season. At least it’s a respite from “accountability.” And don’t get me started again on those damned boxes.
The losers troop back in and everyone cheers and oohs as they realize that Mean Kristen is gone. “I thought Audrey was going to get it. I thought Kristen would eat her alive, and it was the exact opposite!” Angie McNight giggles gleefully.
“The only thing she did was attack Bea!” Audrey exclaims. I’m pretty sure she meant “me,” but the poor dear has a cold. She’s still sweet, but holy crap that girl is spewing out a lot of venom right now and someone should warn her not to wrinkle her forehead so much or eventually it’ll get stuck that way. She tells us, “I’m not going to let anybody walk all over me—I’m a nice person. But the minute you cross me, you’re done.” Note to editors: don’t linger on someone’s face after she’s said her peace, because there’s nothing more awkward than watching someone who has run out of things to say and so just bobs her head and shrugs a lot.
I suppose Michael Tarshi is gunning for the Biggest Tool award that Danny Kastner left behind—but at least Danny had some charisma. “Trump did wink at me this time,” Michael brags. “The only thing separating me and Donald Trump is a few million dollars. We’re the same person,” he tells us. Michael, I may never have met Donald Trump, but I can tell you that you, sir, are no Donald Trump. Oh, but both he and Trump like Eastern European women. Well that changes everything. Because I’m sure Trump picked Melania Knauss for her heritage.
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“Michael’s a jackass. He’s nothing like Donald Trump,” Erin Elmore says. Thank goodness for women like Erin in this world. This week, she’s growing on me the most. Maybe it’s partly because her eyes haven’t bugged out of her head yet this episode, and you still gotta admit the woman has fabulous hair.
Rona rings. Angie answers groggily while hiking up her sweatpants that are just shy of exposing some major crackage. On a side note, I wonder what happens to us when we sleep that makes our faces all puffy and our voices croak. Like, if I just sat in one position for eight hours, would that happen? Or is it something to do with all the horizontal positioning and the cell repairing that goes on when we sleep?
Anyhoo. They meet at Trump World Tower at 8:30. Da da dum, da da dum goes the music. Oh poopers, Carolyn Kepcher isn’t here today. Jill Kramer is here instead, and while the woman tries her darndest, she’s completely unable to crack a smile. George Ross is at least squinting against the sun, which forces something resembling a smile.
The task is to create a mobile business on 28-foot Airstream trailers. Each team gets to spend $5,000 from a Visa credit card—as opposed to the Visa Checkcard, because that would require an actual bank account. (Okay, it took me about twenty minutes to figure that one out, but don’t tell me you didn’t think “Visa credit card” sounded weird too.) Tana Goertz is grinning like a madwoman, like she’s thrilled with this concept.
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The only thing separating me and Donald Trump is a few million dollars. We’re the same person.
