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Week 4: "Soap Dopes"
Original Air Date: 2/10/05
(PAGE 5 of 9)
Angie isn’t at all excited about the guy-splashing-Dove-on-his-face idea. Oh, but why? “There’s nothing innovative about it; there’s nothing compelling. It’s not even that funny. I want to see thirty seconds of something innovative and outside of the box.” She almost lost me at that goddamned “box” comment, but then she goes on to say, “This is so f***ing in the box, this is right in the middle of the—this is the box!” All right! Now I finally know what the box is.
Moon shot. Perhaps Trump is feeling caught between the moon and New York City.
At the Magna studio, Erin is flirting with the hot model, because he really is magnificent. “With abs like that, you gotta wash 'em,” she says. Truer words were never spoken, sister. But she sort of hits the nail on the head when she realizes that it’s looking like “low-budget adult entertainment.” The shorter version of that, dear, is “porn.”
When the actors start up with the washing and fondling of the cucumber, Carolyn’s eyes nearly bug out of her head. Again, people, look at the facial expressions of your judges. A faceless voice complains, “The only way that we would ever win this task is if Net Worth comes up with a more idiotic advertising campaign than our team.” I’m so glad I have that almighty living-room perspective of knowing that they did.
Watching their finished ad, Net Worth is equally appalled at what they’ve made. Trying to soft-coat it, Tara Dowdell comments to Kristen, “It seems like we lost the humor along the way.” Turns out Kristen never meant it to be funny, making Tara back off with a “Oh. Okay.” John isn’t as nice and says flat out, “I think it’s a mess.”
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Before going in to present in Deutschland, Erin gets her whole team to dress up in chef outfits. With the Chef hats and all. Yeah. I know. Even Michael gripes to us, “We’re not chefs, we’re selling soap. Dress me up in a bar-of-soap outfit.” Well, hey, there was that time when a guy dressed up as a giant coffee cup.
Donny Deutsch agrees with this assessment as the team marches in wearing chef hats and white coats. “First off, I don’t mean to be difficult, you can’t wear goofy uniforms. How am I going to take you guys seriously with those goofy hats?” Erin tries to hide her abject humiliation under a smile. But now we get to see their commercial.
Oh. My. God. A worse advertisement does not exist within this level of space-time. Oh my, Lordy. Oh, it’s just horrible. Dramatic Actress strokes a cucumber along with the skeevy cook; someone inexplicably drops a tea bag into a mug; she hands him the body wash; homie snuggles up to another guy; and we get a vision of the Dove bottle surrounded by slices of cucumber. “A refreshing twist.” Wooo wee. One executive actually winces, and Donny Deutsch is on the verge of losing it completely.
Now Net Worth marches in, all dressed in pale green and white. I want to know where these people get the money for matching outfits. No way did they all just happen to have shades of lime green in their wheelie suitcases.
Hoo boy. Remember what I just said about the worst commercial and space-time? We may have another contender here. It’s sort of like an ‘80s video, when people got all excited about new computer technology. Lots of boxes and double shots, all in black-and-white. I can’t even tell what the commercial is for, except that one guy looks like he has spooge all over his face, which he wipes off with a towel.
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With abs like that, you gotta wash 'em.
