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Week 2: "Motel 666"
Original Air Date: 1/27/05
By Sarika Chawla
While Todd Everett, Alex Thomason, and Danny Kastner suffer Donald Trump’s really vicious comments, the rest of the candidates lounge about in the kitchen. Bren Olswanger, still wearing that unfortunate crooked pink bowtie asks, “Who spent more time defending themselves in the boardroom, Todd or Danny? Danny!” Maybe I watch more of The Apprentice than Bren does, but I thought Trump liked the defensive ones. How else did Sandy Ferreira get so far without ever having to drop trou?
Bren explains to us, “We’re here to see who is the best one to be an Apprentice, to be a CEO of one of Mr. Trump’s companies. I don’t see Danny filling that position.” Which I could almost take seriously, if Bren’s bowtie weren’t bobbling about.
Danny, only a little bit sweaty upon entering the kitchen, is welcomed with ear-piercing shrieks of “Oh, my God!” and smothering hugs. Were these not the same people that just sold him out in the boardroom just twenty minutes ago? I’m trying to like Danny, I really am, because I think he means well, but he destroys any lingering attraction when he tells us, “I think Mr. Trump likes me.” Um. “I think The Donald relates to who I am as being sort of brash and different. I’m sure that gave me some credibility.” Oh, Danny.
It’s morning in New York City. Sunrise over the cityscape…pigeons flocking in Central Park…Danny pumping away at an exercise bike. One of these things is not like the others. One of these things does not belong.
Unfortunately the guys still haven’t figured out that answering the “Ronaphone” is a good opportunity to get their pecs some airtime.
Swelling orchestral. Inside an office, Trump reads his lines, er, makes small talk, with a short smiley lady. “So how’s business?” She smiles even more, while most likely thinking, “You don’t even know my name, you arrogant fool with a comb-over.” But she somehow politely manages to recite, “Business is fantastic. We’re having our best year ever!” “You’d better,” says Trump sternly. Oh wait, he’s just kidding.
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Trump explains that both teams will be renovating and refurbishing motels on the Jersey Shore. Each team will have a budget of $20,000 and will receive guest ratings on Yahoo! (The task isn’t that exciting; it’s just that Yahoo! ends with an exclamation point.)
Inside the plucky Net Worth car, Brian McDowell volunteers to be Project Manager. Since no one else wants to do it, he gets the job. This, nonetheless, sends Kristen Kirchner into a tizzy, “I’ve known for a while I didn’t like Brian. I knew he was going to be a problem child.” She swears it’s not worth getting into a fight with him, but you gotta remember, this is the woman who turned really mean over Brian’s neato Viking hat last week. If you ask me, she just doesn’t like short men.
The motels are grody, even though they do have swimming pools.
I’ll have to test this theory out over the coming weeks, but I could swear that Kristen has a slight speech impediment that emerges when she gets exited—or mean. While yelling at Brian about spending money before setting a budget, she shouts, “I just don’t want to say, ‘Okay, Dumpster Come!’” Then, losing complete control of over tongue, she yells, “You just don’t make rash deshishions!” Really. I can’t make this stuff up.
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I just don’t want to say, ‘Okay, Dumpster Come!’
