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| Evan Marc Katz is the founder of the online dating consulting service, E-Cyrano, and author of the bestseller, "I Can't Believe I'm Buying This Book - A Commonsense Guide to Successful Internet Dating." |
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| Pictured (l-r): QVC staff member, John Willenborg, and Wes Moss. |
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 Step away from the urinal, Pam, and take a bow for us. |
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12/17/04 |
Episode 216:
Magellans, Dirty Seats, and Sorority Presidents
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12/10/04 |
Episode 215:
Safe jobs,
Intellectual Horsepower,
and I Love You Too’s
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12/3/04 |
Episode 214:
Oompa Loompas, Candy Bar Strippers, and the M&M Sisters
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11/30/04 |
Episode 212:
Barbie Tumors, Pepsi Dumbbells, and The Honest Truth
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11/19/04 |
Episode 211:
Fembots, Fit Wheels, and
Butt Attitude
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11/12/04 |
Episode 210:
“Impossible” Tasks, Trampled Fliers, and Only Two Brides-To-Be
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11/5/04 |
Episode 209:
Bad Contractors, “Nasty” Boardrooms, and Formal Firings
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Week 5:"Lights! Camera! Transaction!"
Uteruses, Sponges, and Anna
By Evan Marc Katz
October 7, 2004
Stacy Rotner, regarding Jennifer Crisafulli’s dismissal: “The witch is dead!” She practically sang it, “Ding dong, the witch is dead!” I can’t say I’d have acted any differently, but gloating is never an attractive quality. You’re fired, Stacy.
Carolyn Kepcher called the women “a disgrace” last week, and Ivana Ma wholeheartedly agrees. That’s the spirit, Ivana. We’re Number 2!
Pamela Day asserts it’s “Uteruses vs. Penises.” But when Trump orders her back to the Uteruses, I’m reminded of that old saying, “You can take the Uterus out of the Penises, but you can’t take the Penis out of the Uteruses.” Or something like that.
It didn’t take long to see whom this episode’s “villain” was going to be. Step away from the urinal, Pam, and take a bow for us.
I think it’s safe to say that the women needed a pair of balls to be busted, and Pam was the biggest ball buster in the room (aside from Carolyn, who, frankly, scares me).
I don’t know anyone—anyone—who watches QVC, so how the hell is it that they’re selling $4 billion of product each year? Must be the same people who have kept According to Jim on the air for so long.
Pam, on the bus, addressing her new teammates: “I am gonna be bossy.” Noooo…really?
After her above disclaimer about being bossy, Pam continues to swear up a storm at her team. Isn’t that like saying, “Oh, by the way, this might hurt,” before bashing someone over the head with a skillet?
Pam, continuing to work her way through charm school, “I am going to be bitchy for the next 24 hours.” And the 24 hours after that, and the 24 hours after that…
Keep it goin’, Pam: “I am going to whip them into shape!” Because nothing breeds loyalty and success like universal contempt for your project manager.
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Donald, pulling out the Trump card on cheesy anachronistic lines that even fifth graders would make fun of: “Your ass is grass!” Give ‘em hell, Don!
Now, I may not have coined the term, but after losing the QVC battle, can we conclude that the women of Apex are not spongeworthy?
No matter what her verbal and physical tics may be, Maria is a stunner and will never lack for employment—as long as I have my own company.
Earlier, I wanted to know how QVC made its money and now I do. 659 people paid $27 for a sponge and some soap. Looking around my place, I’ve got a half-eaten jar of peanuts and a broken rubber band. I think I can unload ‘em for $14.99.
How did Kelly push through a price of $71.25 and not have someone on the team say something like, “Dude, George Foreman sells this crap for like, $29.99.”?
Pam, once again killing Stacy with kindness, “[Go] put your little stickers on your little bottles.” Nice. How can I get a job with Pam? And do you think she can bring in noted “people person” Jennifer C. to rally the troops?
Stacy, coming up with a presidential-debate-sized zinger regarding Pam’s judgment: “Why don’t you just ask the wedding planner to be the lawyer?”—Okay, it sounded much better in context.
Maria’s performance on QVC was one notch above Keanu Reeves’ performance in Much Ado About Nothing and one below Keanu Reeves’ performance in Johnny Mnemonic.
Even though I may never have paid a dollar for the privilege of watching NBC, I sure got my money’s worth just for that moment when Trump comes up on the video screen like The Wizard of Oz. Tune in next week when The Great and Powerful Oz—uh, The Donald—makes the gang fall asleep in a field of poppies and each team must then calculate the black market value for opium from Afghanistan.
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